Return to Ostagar: The Aftermath
by PrincessMidna90
Summary: Alistair gets locked in a nightmare after their return to Ostagar and the sight of his brother's body, and, unaware, he attacks Elissa Cousland


Elissa is broken out of her reverie by the sound of footsteps behind her. Turning around, she sees Alistair, a wild, feral look in his eyes, body tensed for a fight. It's apparent he's lost in a nightmare, because his eyes see without _seeing_.

But he's still as dangerous as when he's awake; maybe even more so because he doesn't realise who she is. And he's stalking towards her, his body and the way he moves screaming _predator_.

Had he been unarmed, she would have had no trouble taking him down; but she doesn't.

She knows he can kill her before he wakes up, before he realises who she is. What she is.

She has to act fast. Her weapons are in the tent she shared with Alistair, but he is blocking her path.

Oghren is passed out, drunk, so there would be no help from him.

Morrigan was too far away; Sten couldn't be trusted not to harm him right now; the same with Shale.

Maybe Zevran...

"It's YOUR fault he's dead!" The tone of his voice was low and menacing. You abandoned our king on the battlefield, Loghain. HE WAS MY BROTHER!"

Damn. She couldn't call for Zevran now; Alistair would only think he was there to kill him, and wouldn't hesitate to defend himself against the assassin.

Leliana was hurt after their return to Ostagar, which left Wynne.

The motherly mage had told her about the spirit keeping her alive, but it hadn't changed her opinion of the woman.

But it made Elissa a bit reluctant to ask Wynne for help, because she cared for the mage as if she were family.

So she didn't want to put her in more danger than she had to, because she didn't want to hasten her end.

Asking for her aid would certainly be a risk, seeing as Alistair had been on his way to become a Templar, and part of that training was too deeply integrated in him.

But she had no choice now.

In the back of her mind, Elissa wonders how Alistair can possibly believe she's their most hated enemy; different as she is in build and colouration, not to mention gender.

She files away the thought for a later - less dangerous - time.

Shifting to her left, she starts walking slowly backwards – away from Alistair and towards the tent Wynne shares with Leliana.

Another thought forms in her mind; what if she hadn't been the one to stand guard? Would he have attacked her in her sleep, in their tent?

Elissa shivers, and can't stop the fear creeping into her expression as she considers the outcome of that.

But it's not herself she worries about; rather what would have happened to Alistair. As the last two Grey Wardens of Ferelden, they are both needed to end the Blight.

To her, it's been clear since the very start how guilty Alistair feels about what had happened at Ostagar. But that's not all, because Elissa knows he feels guilty for thinking he should have been on the battlefield instead of with her at the Tower of Ishal.

Had he been, he would have been dead as well, which would have left her utterly alone against everything.

Had Alistair died – as he still wishes, though he can't bring himself to admit to it – she would have been without her friend, her ally, her only guardian; but, most importantly, her lover.

Almost within reach of Wynne now, Elissa is reminded of what Wynne told her when she found out the two of them were romantically involved; that love makes one selfish, and that Elissa would most likely end up hurting Alistair, even if she didn't mean to.

The mage had said that for a Grey Warden, the commitment to the fight comes first, and that a Warden cannot be selfish enough to love someone else.

And the fact that she and Alistair both are Grey Wardens makes it worse.

But she can't dwell on that now, not with Alistair still stalking her, hatred and madness in his eyes and on his face.

She's three steps away from Wynne's tent when Oghren snores loudly, drawing Alistair's attention briefly.

It's enough for Elissa to charge towards her own tent, using her momentum to knock Alistair to the ground in order to gain a few precious seconds extra.

Elissa isn't dressed for a fight, but neither is Alistair. She's wearing a bit more than him, but a layer or two of clothing won't stop or lessen the damage of a sword.

Being a rogue means she's better at dual wielding, but it doesn't give her much of an advantage.

At least Alistair only has his sword, and not his shield.

She dives into the tent and grabs Duncan's sword and dagger, the weapons being within easy reach as they had collected them from Ostagar the previous day.

Which was most likely why Alistair was experiencing the nightmare; they had known all along that Loghain was to blame, but seeing Cailan's body like that, finding his amour on various darkspawn, and then killing the ogre that had killed him…

Elissa had been cleaning the sword and dagger the day before, as it had been stuck in the ogre's body; a testament to the original death of the creature and the man who had killed it.

Alistair's sword sang through the air, ripping the cloth of their tent, the fabric covering her. She springs up from her crouched position, throwing the fabric over Alistair, before kicking him in the gut.

He doubles over, but doesn't fall to the ground as she'd hoped.

"Coward," he growls out as he straightens up and throws the fabric to the ground, once again stalking towards her.

But this time she's prepared. Elissa raises the dagger and parries the blow, swinging Duncan's sword against Alistair's ribs, hitting him with the flat side.

She doesn't want to hurt him – wonders if she could ever bring herself to hurt him, no matter the reason – but if bruising him and knocking him to the ground is what need to be done, she'll do it.

Knowing Wynne is there to heal him should things go wrong helps, but she still tries her best to bruise him, and not make him bleed.

But she ends up giving him shallow cuts – mainly on his arms – because he's relentless in his attacks. Elissa hopes to tire him, but she knows it will be difficult as he's a capable fighter and she's been by his side battling darkspawn and ogres.

Out of the corner of her eyes, Elissa can see Zevran looking out of his tent, and it's all it takes for Alistair to knock her to the ground.

Her breath knocked out of her, Elissa looks up at Alistair, his sword pointed towards her throat.

She knows she's trapped, but she's not prepared to give up yet. Knowing one wrong move could kill or seriously wound her, Elissa quickly considers her options.

It doesn't seem like Alistair's seen Zevran, which will work in her favour. Zevran is clever, and hopefully he knows to stay away unless she gives him a signal to help.

Elissa looks towards Zev's tent quickly, hoping Alistair won't notice. She sees the Crow, daggers in his hands, looking at the scene before him.

She quickly looks back to Alistair, then to Zevran again, just long enough to see him nod at her, understanding what she wants.

She looks up at Alistair, straight into his eyes, showing no sign of fear at having a sword at her throat.

Her lover smirks down at her, nothing but hatred in his eyes.

But Elissa knows she can't think of Alistair as her lover right now, because if she does, she won't be able to hurt him to save herself.

Maybe Wynne was right after all.

"You're the one standing with a sword to my throat, and do nothing about it. Now who's the coward?" Elissa tires to sound like she's bored, like she doesn't care that the hand wielding the sword might strike at her and end her life any moment.

Alistair's eyes grow even darker, but he continues to stare down at her, still silent.

Movement catches her attention again, but she continues to stare into Alistair's eyes, because she can't let him know Zevran's about to strike.

She desperately hopes he can't see that Zev is creeping up behind him, almost close enough to knock him out.

A crack from a twig causes Alistair to turn around, just as the Antivan raises his daggers.

The prince quickly parries the blows as Elissa gets to her feet again, weapons in hands.

A kick behind his knee sends Alistair to his knees, and a blow to the back of his skull knocks him out.

Zevran catches him and Elissa sinks down to the ground besides her unconscious lover, cradling his head in her lap.

"Zev, get Wynne!"

He nods, and does as she says without commenting on the strange sounds of her words.

Elissa refuses to let go of her hold on him even as Wynne tells her they should shift him to their tent in order for him to lay on something softer and warmer.

The mage has done what she can for him, and tells Elissa they just have to wait for him to wake up again.

"Come on dear one, it will be alright. We've all been though worse than this; a blow to his head won't hurt him. He's tough, this sweetheart of yours."

Wynne puts a hand on her shoulder, and offers Elissa a warm, comforting smile when she looks up at her.

When Alistair wakes up, he feels disoriented. His head hurts, he's in a different tent and it's dark outside.

He can hear the crackling of the fire and low, hushed voices.

Concentrating, he can hear Alissa speaking to someone, and he doesn't like the sound of her voice, because she sounds scared, and his beautiful, brave lover has never sounded scared until now.

"I thought I was going to lose him, Wynne. He was standing over me, and he looked and sounded so different, so dark. I looked at him, and felt sure that that would be the end, either for me or him. I knew he could kill me in a second, and I could feel the tip of his sword against my throat.

"I knew chances were it would end with one of us dead, and I was prepared to kill him, because I didn't want him to hurt anymore or feel guilty over killing me while being locked in a nightmare. I was prepared to do it so he wouldn't have to suffer another loss."

Alistair continues breathing slowly, pretending to be asleep, though he wants nothing more than to speak up and stop Elissa from saying those words.

He wants to let her know he's alright, despite the bloody bump at the back of his head.

"May I ask why you didn't call for help? I hope you know we would help you?" He can hear how worried Wynne sounds and he can't help but wonder the same, even though he remembers nothing from the event.

"Because I didn't want anyone else to get hurt. I thought about calling out for one of you, but there were different reasons not to. With Leliana hurt and Oghren knocked out cold from drinking, I couldn't call for any of them, and I was afraid of what Shale and Morrigan and Sten would do to him. And I was afraid for you because of that spirit, because I won't want you to exert yourself any more than you have to. Barkspawn would have woken you all up, and the only reason Zev came to my aid was because we were close to his tent and he happened to hear us."

The silence seems to stretch on forever, before Wynne speaks again.

"You should sleep, dear. You have been up far too long already, and you've barely eaten anything. It won't hurt to leave his side for a quick meal, at least. "

"I don't know, Wynne…" Even though Alistair can't see anything, he can feel Elissa turn to look at him.

"Nonsense! Come with me now. Eat, stretch your legs, and then you can go back to his side."

Alistair can hear Elissa sigh, knowing she's lost the battle against the motherly mage.

He stretches as he looks around the tent, and finds out he's in Zevran's.

Still tired, sleep overcomes him in minutes.

Elissa feels Alistair stir next to her, so she quickly opens her eyes to look at him.

His dark golden eyes look back at her, and there's a sleepy smile at his lips.

"Good morning," he whispers, and his voice cracks from the lack of use.

She reaches out and strokes his cheek, not caring about the rough feel of stubbles, before she leans in to kiss him.

"I missed you," she whispers back, kissing him again.

"How long have I slept?" Alistair asks her, and licks his lips. He'll never tire of the soft feel of her lips against his own.

"Over two days. I was worried about you, especially because…" she trails off.

"Because of what?"

She closes her eyes, refusing to look at him.

"Because I knocked you out."

When nothing happens she dares to open her eyes. His brow is furrowed, and there is nothing in his eyes that tells her he knows what happened.

And that means she'll have to explain it to him.

"Alistair, do you remember what happened after Ostagar?" That pained expression on his face at the mention of that place is something she never wants to see again, but she knows he needs to know this, so she presses on.

"We came back from Ostagar just over three days ago, and the memories of what happened and what we saw there drove you into a nightmare. You weren't yourself, Alistair, and I saw that clearly. Your whole body was tensed and you thought I was Loghain. When you came storming out of your tent, with Cailan's sword in your hand…" Elissa draws a shuddering breath and stops talking. Admitting to her fear when he couldn't hear her had been easier.

"I scared you," he says, and there is worry and a hint of wonder in his voice. "I heard you, before, talking to Wynne," Alistair explains before she has time to reply.

"Alistair…"

"Hush, love; I'm alright, you don't have to worry."

"I don't know what happened to you, but you weren't yourself. You let the guilt from the battle grow into a festering wound, and returning to Ostagar and seeing King Cailan's body changed that wound into a nightmare. Know that I don't blame you for what you did, and know you were wounded far worse than I.

Yes, you scared me, Alistair. Maker, how you scared me. But I didn't let the fear get control of me; instead I showed it aside and I was prepared to do whatever I had to in order to keep everyone else safe."

"Included killing me," he states in a matter-of-fact way. "I heard you tell Wynne you were prepared to kill me, to save me from having to live knowing I had killed you, despite not being in control of myself."

"Yes," Elissa replies, and there is strength in her voice. "I would have gone on living with that choice, knowing that because of my actions there would only be one of us left in Ferelden. Because you matter to me too much for me to let you live on with the knowledge of what you had done, especially after everything you've lost."

They don't speak for a while; instead they lie side by side, glad that the ordeal is over.

Elissa doesn't leave Alistair's side for a long time after that, and makes sure they're always on guard together and that he will have to go through her to get his weapon.

She doesn't think it will happen again, and it seems to her the festering wound has now healed as much as it ever will.

But she also knows she can never be too certain, and Alistair understand that. He doesn't need to say anything, because she can see it in the way he looks at her; filled with understanding and love.


End file.
